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April 30, 2006: happy Beltane!
Since I have moved to the Mission, I thought it was only fair I changed my webapage. That, and the other one had gotten kinda blooooatttteedddd. Okay, maybe me be exagerrating.
So my sponsor asked me to list three unique things that I am thankful for everyday. I'll start with the easy ones:
Hey, that wasn't too painful at all! I have more, but I'll save them for later (like having a wonderful sponsor).
May 1, 2006:
Some more things that I like about life:
ack. so much to do, and so little pretend energy. i had a wicked caffeine headache last night, and instead of waiting until Samhain to give up something that's obviously destructive...i didn't drink any coffee today. so i feel...well...tried, without my placebo. tired. not tried. that's how tired i am, that i misspell it as tried. ::sigh:: i'll shut up now.
May 2, 2006:
May 3, 2006:
still tired! and i feel really weird...not necessarily bad... but weird...
The three things i like about life today:
May 4, 2006:
May 5, 2006:
Its Friday...that time to get caught up on non-work things so I can work on getting caught up on work things for the weekend. Lotsa work, eh? So what of life's treasures should I be thankful for today?
May 6, 2006:
Tiiiiiiirreedd...walked to the ocean and back today, with a stop at Cafe Gratitude. Things I enjoy about life:
May 7, 2006:
things i like about being alive
May 8, 2006:
A long day! Last day of my computational engineering class, but lots more for design patterns. I love...
May 9, 2006:
May 10, 2006:
What a day! Start off with the chaos of grading midterms at beyond the last, mix in a liberal dose of Vietnamese lotus tea at Samovar, followed by a job interview at The Open Planning Project, some peer counseling, a last-minute phone call to my sponsor, and just a tsp of Radio Habana, and you've got my day.
Things I love:
May 11, 2006:
May 12, 2006:
It is the Full Moon. A time for celebration! Things I am thankful for:
May 13, 2006:
Things I like about life:
May 14, 2006:
Things I like about life...sheesh...getting hard to think of more...
May 15, 2006:
May 16, 2006:
May 17, 2006:
May 18, 2006:
Wow. Got a letter from TOPP (that's The Open Planning Project, case you're wondrin') -- that they want me to come out for an interview. I'm so excited!
May 19, 2006:
Things i like about life
May 20, 2006:
Carl's graduation. My grandparents visisted.
May 21, 2006:
May 22, 2006:
things i like about life:
May 23, 2006:
surrender is the goal of life
happiness is the consequence of surrender
but once once has surrenders happiness will be of no concern
May 24, 2006:
May 25, 2006:
May 26, 2006:
May 27, 2006:
Had a date with a beautiful girl. Walked to the ocean and saw the sun set over it. Went to a 22:00 AA meeting at the Marina Dock. Things I like about life:
May 28, 2006:
May 29, 2006:
May 30, 2006:
May 31, 2006:
June 1, 2006:
June 2, 2006:
June 3, 2006:
June 4, 2006: Godless Heathens retreat
I wish the will of the Goddess to flow through me. I turn my will over to her care with complete abandon. Please! Tara! Hear my words and let your will flow!
I have a hard time trusting others. I know how to be absolutely loyal to a perons, or a cause, but anything less than absolute loyalty seems so meaningless. Where are my friends when I think of myself as a thrall for having no lover? Surely, if I'm not even worthy of being chosen as someone's mate, then I am but a slave to an unjust cause.
My mind tells me to disregard this -- perhaps it is as illusionary and ephemeral as the ripples in moonlight when a pebble breaks the pond's stillness. And yet then, what am I left with? I know how to be polite...sometimes even nice. And sometimes I even enjoy it. But it is a distance from myself to others. I crave the equality and rapture of the flood of emotions that I know only from absolute loyalty, which I would call love. Is there no place for this. Where does this fit in "the Middle Way"?
Perhaps... Perhaps there is nothing for me to do but to turn myself over. I can see no other path. And so I choose -- I choose -- to turn my will and my life over to that which has called my heart since childhood. It will be hard to give up my romantic ideal. But I must! Even if the Universe, the Goddess, and the Triple Fates weave such into my path, I must devote myself to following the Path without thought of reward. For the only other path I can see is not a path at all, but wandering in the dark wilderness of my thought, feeling sorry for myself that I am alone. I may not drink again for this, but I will never improve. The only way is the application of effort until effort drops away and there is only application.
I may be lonely, but that does not improve with self-reflection. Not to reflect -- that is the surrender of the will. The insistence of the self -- that is the will. Wash away, wash away. Be like the leaf that floats with the stream, not restrained by any obstacles. Be like empty space.
So what of trust and other human beings? I trust Sheila. I feel bad for her, having such a willful and closed sponsor, but I trust her. Even if I do fear that her best intentions may not be the best cause of action for me. Sometimes, yes, but not always. I still don't think that she knows me. Or likes me. Or wants to know/like me. Perhaps such things aren't important.
But others -- I do not know if I want to trust people, outside of trusting them to e who they are and trying to do so in a nonprejudiced way. It is hard for me to belive that one can have real affection (meaning: the Buddhist definition -- a love between equals) with another human being in a detached sort of way. Affection means so much to me that it is hard to imagine.
What is life without affection?
What is affection without attachment?
Things I like about life:
Who am I? This reminds me almost too much of the self-reflective bullshit I used to write when I was on drugs. The hand-writing hasn't changed at all, anyway. Sometimes I feel like the piece of shite the world revolves around. Other times, things are so clear and empty. I found myself projecting all sorts of negative thoughts when others were sharing. Not out of malice, I hope. But out of lack of attendence to my will (whatever that may be).
Who am I? Am I these thoughts, this contamination of empty space? Am I just an animal whose only will is to scatter his seed and suckle his mother's breast? Am I part of some grand machine? Or are all these thoughts just the entertainment of illusion? Perhaps the only truth is now. To look outside of this writing -- of me putting strokes of graphite on the page as my brain rattles on of its discourse -- that seems to be illusion. The moment is real. Then what is the meaning? Is it in the words or in the appreciation of a single instant?
Who am I? What am I? Do I really believe that if I ask the question enough times, the answer will come? Do I put myself on a pedestal to keep from writing about trust?
The group dynamic in AA seems to work so well because it is a group of people focusing on their commun problem with a framework that "doesn't allow" the topic to be steered to other issues. The mission of Alcoholics Anonymous is to cure addiction. Since addiction is such a charged issue, full of emotion, there is a power within those emotions that may be turned into its solution. Who guides that will? No one individual. Perhaps there is where the "higher power" comes in -- in the wearing of intentions so that something is gained. ANd yet this something is nothing but the freedom from.
Maybe trust in one's self grows in time. One sees one's self walking the path and then one day trusts that one will not fall. It is both vital and dangerous.
Peer counseling or no?
| Pro | Con |
| it gives me someone to talk to | it doesn't feel like it helps |
| it takes alot of time | |
| i feel bad burdening the counselor with my problems |
June 5, 2006:
June 6, 2006:
June 7, 2006:
Flew to New York to interview with TOPP
June 8, 2006:
Interview with TOPP
June 9, 2006:
Flew home. By, NYC and TOPP? (for now?)
June 10, 2006:
June 11, 2006:
June 12, 2006:
June 13, 2006:
June 14, 2006:
June 15, 2006:
June 16, 2006:
Found out I got The Open Planning Project job! I'm so excited! Thank you Tara, and all sentient beings.
June 17, 2006:
Went to MOMA today with Heather Fox.
June 18, 2006:
June 19, 2006:
June 21, 2006:
I have left Sheila as a sponsor after she told me I couldn't be friends with Heather. Now I feel very alone. She said that if a 17-y/o girl liked me, it wasn't for me. It was because she was sexually abused.
I sent the following email to Heather:
You win
Jeff Hammel to Heather
Jun 20(15 hours ago)
Dear Heather,
Sadly, you win the bet that I would be the first to run. I'm sorry. My AA sponsor told me that I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore. My only regret is that I couldn't give you your biscotti.
Jeff
Now I feel very alone. They say in AA that you don't have to do this alone. But when I leave the meeting, who is with me? When I eat my meals, who is with me? When I sleep, who is with me? No human, in any case (though there's a nice yellow cat that likes to sleep with me). My last 3 items I like from June 20:
July 1, 2006: Goodnite Mission!
In one month I will be on the other shore of this continent. I'm so excited, both for working for The Open Planning Project and also for my new apartment in Brooklyn. I applied for it without seeing the place, but I couldn't resist it from the craigslist ad. How pretty is that! It will be the next best thing to living in a very comfortable cave. You can find it on the maps.google here. i am so grateful to have this chance to work for The Open Planning Project! i hope i can measure up to it!
