4 / 29 / 2004:

A few realizations came upon me this week that have changed my way of dealing with, well, what ultimately amounts to myself. I had a dream, still only half-remembered and very dark, where I saw the manifestation of karma. I knew that all were one, and saw the pain and misunderstanding caused by acting as if this weren't true. Its not some distant idea perpetuated by esotericists, but a very simple and real truth that influences the way we act everyday. On one hand, we casually take ourselves individuals in this part of Brahma's dream. But our thoughts, our concsiousness, does not end with our brain. For what is reality? Is there any difference from illusion? And I asked myself these questions not as an abstract matter, but as very real questions that have answers, even if they are answers that only we create.

My dream was largely impressions that showed that the way I desired to behave, consistent with what I knew of the world, was different from how I behaved. And while from the perspective of an individual there seemed to be a barrier between the two, from the perspective of dynamic conciousness, streams of thought passing through physical matter from outside of time, there was no barrier. Why then should they be separated? I was in a state like after returning from hell, emerging from half remembered pain and dreading experiencing such again. And I remember the Chorum, the echo of voices in Hell that spoke as the damned were wrapped in their own pain (purely a consequence of individualistic thinking, once again). And They (We, are the same) said of Bush words to the effect: "Clinton was pretty ordinary [meaning the amount of negative karma he had built up], but Bush....that must be a lot to go through [refering to his pain]." I think of Hell as like a painful washing -- individuality is finally broken, utterly.

I awoke from the Dream and greeted the last day of the IVEC conference. Ned and I drove home around 4p or so, and I dropped him off at his house in Lafayette. It had already been a long day at this point. I had not smoked all day and was glad for it. There really wasn't much physical withdrawal, though I guessed I hadn't smoked much that week anyway. I got to Berkeley and needed to use the bathroom, pretty badly. But as much as I drove around, I couldn't find parking, until about 30 minutes later over a mile away from my house right near where my old apartment was. I walked home with my luggage, unable to find a public bathroom on the way. Lilly was freaking out as I got to the door. I put down my stuff, and found that the bottom lock was locked (it was badly behaved before and I never used it) and try as I might I couldn't get it open. Still trying holding in my pee, I called my parents and asked them if I should break in, as I was worried about the legality of breaking in to one's own apartment. My dad said I had little choice. I tried to rock the window sideways with a shovel, but ended up breaking the glass. As I struggled to get the glass out before Lilly cut herself (luckily, she was smart and stayed away while this was going on) I cut myself on the glass and got a big gash in my hand. Part of the flesh was hanging off, but still had nerve sensitivity. The caretaker of the apartments happened to hear the glass break and came out to help me get in.

After this, it was almost an automatic reaction to go to the store and get cigarettes -- the day had been horrible and ended very badly, Lilly was all upset, and all those usual little things that I had let annoy me. And I had a chunk of flesh hanging off my hand that I didn't know what to do with -- cut it off, cauterize it, let it alone? So I decided, at first to cut off the flesh and buy some cigarettes to dull the pain. But I remembered my dream and the lesson it taught me and realized I did have a choice. Why would I let the universe be horrible for me? Why would I let this upset me? And why would I let this cause me to smoke, which wouldn't help the situation any, just make me feel worse? I had a choice...I had almost forgotten that we can make choices, that as much as society (also us) influences us to think that things must be a certain way so that the power-lovers can believe they are extracting our essence from us. But in reality both sides lose -- we are one, and harm afflicted is returned and makes two negatives. And I chose -- we all chose -- that I would catch some glimmer of awakening instead of falling into old destructive patterns.

I was alone. I had then and have now no human I really feel connected to, and this had been a long point of sadness in my life. But I realized all were one. We were all already connected. Things are much stranger now and I still haven't figured out what this all means. My old ideal of romantic love seems to have fallen out the window, save as a game to play if one is interested. Sexual relations seem to be just the physical act of mating, which (save for the reason to have children) seem to have no meaning, a purely familial sort of thing. Not that I have anything against families, and familial relationships, but this contrasts utterly with mine (and probably some other people's too) idea of romantic love as supreme over other kinds of love. The male and the female just seem two evolved monkeys exchanging DNA (or not, with the advent of contraceptives) for the purpose of mating. They obtain physical pleasure as a result. What is higher than this? I see no reason why (except, of course, for the convenience of the partners) sexual relations and affection should be associated, nor why people try to make such a thing into the quest for the supreme, save for the usual reasons of status, power, and other ways we try to claim individuality for our own. To quote Illuminatus! ``If all are one, is not all sex masterbation?'' While I had known this quote for years, I didn't realize how literally true it was. Nothing wrong with sex, or romantic entanglements, but the view of "Soul Mates", in the classical sense, and the my former view of the supremacy of romantic love over other types of love was inconsistent with my other theories and experiences on the nature of life. My quest for love had ended -- I had not found what I had sought, but perhaps a glimpse of wisdom, even if it still confuses me. At least I have something to focus on, something to unfold upon and perhaps use for the betterment of all. A vehicle, the Hindi would say. It still mystifies me that if love for another person is not the goal, and that all love is ultimately love for another part of the all, then...?