darkness

I just finished the first chapter of my novel, though nothing is ever finished. I'm now not even sure how deep the roots of the story go back. Was it high school, when I thought of the Imperium and decided the form of a sci-fi story over its previous fantasy incarnation? Was it when Kain was invented, growing out of a side character to take over the story? Was it earlier than that, with Carrock and Dinais? Or even ealier with the unnamed boy who was put in the room by someone (it could only be the Emperor) with a mirror doorway to an alternate universe with a reflection of himself he could see in sadness but never touch?

It has been a long, strange, and sad journey. And with the first chapter I feel as Frodo and company must have felt upon reaching Bree: far from home, though with many miles ahead of them. It does feel like giving birth, sharing something so personal with the world, even if the world is only five of my friends.

You would think I should be happy. Part of me is. But part of me is even more depressed. I don't know if anyone reading Kain's story are really and truly my friends. I mean, yeah, they're great friends within the context of this world, so shallow, where spammers steal emails from trac instances in hopes of enticing some lonely nerd as myself that someone might actually care for them. Yet I can't believe that this is as close as I might get to people. Perhaps it is my own mental malfunction to believe that somehow I should be closer to people, to have someone in my life that I feel that I could get closer to. But Ethan and I were talking about real conversations recently. He stated that he hadn't had a real conversation in years, and then many real conversations in the last few months. I can't remember the last time I had a real conversation. Admittedly, I couldn't come up with a definition of what a real conversation was, but now I think I have some idea. It is a discourse where thoughts flow without effort, where all involved understand each other and are interested only in understanding each other. Where there are no egos.

I don't feel that anyone understands me. I suppose that's not that unusual. But I don't feel that anyone wants to understand me, and its that that gives me pangs of sorrow. Maybe it is too much to ask. But it is all I want -- someone that wants to understand me and likewise me to them.

But I'm getting older and if I have had a real conversation it seems increasingly far away. The quote weighs upon me

"If Amelie chooses to live in a dream-world and remain an introverted young woman, she has every right to mess up her life!"

Except I'm not an attractive young girl. I'm a less than attractive aging man. I'm an introvert who doesn't know how to talk to people.

Shawn is pregnant. Since this is the first blog I've written since this has happened, you would probably expect me to be joyful or fearful of being a new parent. I guess that's partially what I'm going to write about, but more it has to do with a problem I have had my whole life that has reared its ugly head once again.

Time and time again I've been in the situation where I've tried to put my trust in people to act with intentions towards some altruistic idea of us (which, of course, isn't altruistic at all, but just selfish on the level of a group). But this is the first time in many years this has happened with a partner and supposed lover. The only other times I can think of from the very small pool of girls who I thought really loved me. The first time is when Megan left me because she thought I was being mean to Kben. The next time I can remember is when Sarah left me. The last time is when Evelyn cheated on me on Valentine's day. In all of these cases, what shocked me most wasn't the meanness of the act itself, but the context that these we people that I thought we were connected on a profound level and then they essentially pulled back into their selfish modes.

Maybe I'm more deliberately selfish or non-selfish than others. Maybe this is because of Asperger's....maybe not? I make a very concious choice as to what interests I want to pursue. Honestly, I find pursuing my own interests very boring and depressing, but because of the shape of life, its unfortunately often necessary. Hence why I love to be in love. But maybe this is an illusion too.

Anyway, I'm talking around the point again.

My point is that since finding out that Shawn is pregnant I have done my best to do what I could to help out and make this go well. True, this includes such contraversial actions as insisting that I would not live with Shawn's mother. I honestly believe this to be for the best, not just for Shawn and myself but especially for the child. I'm not going to go into details right now as to why i belive this to be the case, but for the time suffice it to say that I do. So yeah, that's selfish, but though I'm sure Shawn would probably disagree, it is done because I believe it is for the best.

But I've also done some real sacrifices. Like psychologically dealing with the fact that I'm not going to have any money at all (like, for groceries, even) for any predictable time in the future. I ate popcorn last night for dinner because that's what I had in my pantry. I will continue to eat the scraps I have becasue I plan to sacrifice everything I can to have a healthy child in a good environment. I'm not at all happy about living with Miku which again I'm sure Shawn doesn't understand, but that's largely a result of her lack of understand on why I was hurt when I very very gently disciplined Miku and she scolded me for it....not him. Yeah, I remember these sorts of things and base my life around them until they are resolved. As far as I'm concerned Shawn loves Miku more than me. Until then, I was luke-warm on Miku except for the fact that he barked at Lilly, which is no way to win my affection. But since Shawn loves Miku as much as I love Lilly, its a sacrifice that had to be made. And I'm even less happy about Lilly and Hobbes (but esepcially Lilly) being locked in a tiny tiny room. But again, if that's the way the cards have to fall. Lets not forget all the psychological sacrifices at becoming one of the people that I hate, losing autonomy, losing Lee's friendship, probably being poor forever, not being able to travel much (mainly because of the money factor) or in the way that I want, having to deal with my family and her family as a dad (read: diplomat, my least favorite role, because I am not a diplomatic person), probably getting yelled at by Shawn for my horrible and dark nature, lots of self loathing, and having to immediately move out of my loved post-industrial Bushwick where I actually have an apartment I can actually afford with my lovely pile of student loans.

And then there's the money. Like I said, I worked out the math, and I *can* afford our new Forest Hills apartment by myself. But just barely. With NY prices, I will have barely have enough money to feed my cats and eat after that. Its a sacrifice I make gladly though, in light of the alternatives. Like I said, its an almost perfect place for us and a good place to have a baby so there was not much thought process in making the decision if the money was worth sacrificing. But I didn't have any money up front. So I had Shawn write a check for $5670 for the three months rent (and didn't mention the $1000 brokers fee that I paid). To me, we were one at that point, especially financially. Yes, it was much to expect from her, though since I barely had the $1000 it was all I could do. As far as I'm concerned at this point we should be making decisions based on what is logical and far reaching.

Remember when I said that I was afraid Shawn and I didn't work together? That's still true. But now the stakes are much higher. Shawn called me up last night and said, "So do I just get assed out of the money?" I had asked her whether I should take out a $10000 loan that I applied for not at all happily in hope that I could use that to pay for the up front cost of the new apartment, but the loan didn't come until yesterday. Hence the reason I needed Shawn to pay for said costs. Yeah, I'll further ruin my debt situation and put myself in credit jeopardy because I think its right for us and the kid.

I asked about the loan in the sense of "do we want $10000 in capital so we can start this adventure with some pretend cash?" What was I thinking?

So you can imagine why I was royally pissed at the comment. Now against all logic I will take out the loan and pay Shawn her money so that I don't feel guilty about this bullshit. No, its not logical for us or the kid. But I guess the days of making decisions based on logic and compassion are passed.

I guess all I can do going forward as try to be as selfish as I can within the limits of common sense. Perhaps I'll extend the pretend generosity that society thinks is so profound. In any case I'm going to follow the example of airline oxygen masks:

"Please place the mask over your own head before assisting the child."

I'm having a hard time thinking of Shawn as anything other than a spoilt brat right now. She gets poor and buys shoes. I get poor and eat popcorn for dinner. She's temporarily out of $6000 which I said I'd give here $1000 as soon as I could. I'm long term fuxored on my debts and am adding yet another bill and yet another $10000 to the pile. I have to live with a spoiled dog that can roam whereever he wants. My best friend is locked in a little room with a brother that attacks her. I have to move out of my apartment. I have to get yelled at because I don't want to live with her control freak mother in her house (no, its not an apartment...apartments have separate entrances) that would no doubt hijack the pregnancy, my sanity and the baby's future. I have to spend the next twenty years of mine raising a kid. So long hopes and dreams.

I will try to be the honorable man, but now, much like washing the dishes at work has become long before, its a burden of obligation and not joy.

jeff's primitive blog that he forgot to set the title on