I'm done! My what will probably be last girlfriend broke up with me (in a round about manner). It only lasted a month, tied for my shortest relationship and perhaps she was never as much my girlfriend as I would have liked to believe. She is exactly what I have been looking for, and yet I feel I was nothing to here. A distraction. It seems two lessons come of this: 1) people are attracted to people who are not attracted to them; and 2) the more attracted you feel towards a person they will feel less attracted towards you. So I am quitting relationships. Its not like if the perfect person came along that I would turn them away -- I just don't believe this will happen. I have given up the pursuit of a relationship, for nothing in return. There seems no more point. The more I try, the less I achieve. People are so closed off to me, and I have become the same to them. The icy hell. So I can't try to be nice anymore, can't try to share myself with others. As much as I want to, and as much as I've tried, nothing has come of it...nothing, save the redicule of those that would take advantage of openness. And bitterness. Perhaps a little wisdom from my struggles. There seems to be nothing in this world for me. I want someone that is special to me that considers me special as well. And not just as one star among the galaxy, but someone that will let me in to their heart and be overwhelmed by what we share. Someone that will think of me when they die and be less lonely for it. But there is no point in mourning what I don't have, of how I would make the world if it were up to me. I just have to accept that this won't happen to me. I live in a box, that I have built but at the urging of others. Who would want my friendship, the friendship of a bitter misanthrope? The friendship of a madman, a nega-psychic? Even my darkness does not draw those who are attracted to darkness. Perhaps they see it as too academic, not daring, not bold. But how can I tell them that there is no point to doing anything? I am alone, proud and alone, and perhaps shall ever stay that way...
Lonely as usual. At leeast I'm accomplishing work. I just hope I don't look back on it from beyond deaths veil and remember only hte pointlessness of it all, the misdirected energy and time. If I new in mind what I should direct my energy towards, and my heart was in it, then perhaps things would change. But it is hard to direct energy back upon itself. I try. I hope its enough.
I wrote a CraigsList ad last night -- yeah, I know, I said I'm through with girls. That is still the basic idea. I haven't gotten any responses yet, and doubt I will, but its early yet. It was a strange ad...it says a lot about where I am and what I want, and my view on the world. For fun, here it is (yeah, I know I'm violating my own anonymity -- but the whole idea for this blog is to hide my thoughts right out in the open ;):
another ad i expect no responses to... - 26 Reply to: anon-26192735@craigslist.org Date: 2004-03-11, 4:00AM PST It seems that life is dandy for those people who will mold themselves society, or counter-culture, or any social clique. And what becomes of those who won't? I guess that is what I will find out. To me, this is a serious question. I'm anti-social, often misanthropic, dark, and follow my own path, for better or worse. Often worse, as it feels I have been ousted from any chance of social connection. Perhaps it passes me by and I cannot see it, or perhaps my negative energy prevents any such connection from happening. I feel like a character from a Kafka novel...then again, I am reading "The Trial" at the moment, so its more than coincidence. What am I trying to say? I guess, in my own rambling style, I'm first trying to say that there should be more (at least for me) to a personal ad than stating your job, physical fetishes, and social status. If this works for you, fine, but what I am looking for is a little different. I'd be illdisposed to define it, but what I want is the sense of connection to a person. Or people. And I have only seen glimpses of what is possible, and yearn for the fulfillment of such visions. I haven't led a hard life...but I've always felt this connection was missing. I don't know if this is what love is, or not...a few years ago, I would have been more sure....but not now... I have much to work on personally, but from what I have seen (perhaps through jaded eyes) most people do. Whether my cases is "better" or "worse" than most, in the grande scheme of things, seems a matter of perspective. I smoke. I drink. I often loathe myself. I have a low self-esteem. I place very little value in money (but neither will I toss it away). I'm not a "bad boy"...perhaps a "lone wolf", but these words have lost all meaning in their influx to popular culture. I'm either too exciting/excitable or not enough, depending on, again, perspective. I've asked myself several times why I'm posting this ad. Maybe its loneliness, maybe its a effort towards some kind of socialization, and maybe I'm just banging my head against the wall, looking for love...something I'm not even sure exists. I don't know if I want a relationship...well, I do...but with the "right" person. And I'm not sure what that is anymore. Or if such a thing even exists. While I can be mopey, this isn't it. I think its a vaild question -- is romantic love a real thing, when all people are connected? Or are all equally important? Can people be special to each other, in the way that I want? Or are my own expectations driving me into a corner? This ad isn't for everyone, I don't think. But if any of this resonates with someone I'd like to hear from you. It may lead to friendship, it may lead to a relationship, it may lead to the ever-elusive (for me, anyway, requited love)...or we may pass, as has sadly too often happened in my life, like ships in the night, I hope to hear from you, or have at least provided some interesting (late) bedtime reading.
If only my work could provide me with the contentment I seek. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and even have fun doing it on occassion (when I'm NOT told: ``There's an emergency that needs you attention RIGHT NOW!'' That always sucks. But even when I have some small measure of success the happiness is gives me is not the deep contentment I long for, but just the same happiness of beating a video game (though admittedly, a far more rewarding video game than that crap on the PS2...sorry gamers, I just don't see the fun!). But still, I long for the sense of connnectedness with other people...even one other person. Compared to that, everything else seems like a waste of time... that was is a movie thats perhaps better off not seen. What do I do wrong? Is it really that I'm just ``different'', and that people can't/won't accept me unless I conform to their worldview? Or is that a bunch of BS and there is something more I cannot see why I have not close friends. Maybe still paying off all that horrible karma. Jess told me that I shouldn't think of it as a problem to be solved, and this is probably true, yet there is where I stand, where others stand, and where I wish to go.
I amazingly received a few reponses to the CL ad listed in the last post. A few of them interesting people, but as usual, they ultimately didn't respond back to me or have the courtesy to say, ``Sorry, this conversation isn't going as I'd liked...I won't be e-mailing you anymore.'' I understand that there are guys who would try and take advantage, but still it seems another way I must suffer because other people are assholes. This is samsara. And even though I write about samsara as if its a thing that I somehow have a grasp on, doesn't make me any more free from its grasp.
GET BACK ON YOUR HILLTOP!
Sadness for the past or plans for the future? I've been considering my whole attitude on love and relationships recently... well, I guess with my recent dumping has brought many of these issues to a head. I guess the sadness comes from the feeling that I really could make a wonderful lover to the right person, but it doesn't seem fated to be in this lifetime. Perhaps love is simply a wonder of youth when people are still naive enough to open themselves up to others that those such as me will long for through their life. But it is not trying to recapture the moment...but a hope for a glimpse of the eternal. I still remember, though it seems another time in another world, the feeling of being with someone and simply melting together, dissolving for a bliss into thoughts and feelings shared, between something new. And now this is gone, and it seems lost for this life. I have become complex but at the same time have lost much of the openess I've had. I'd like to think they are unrelated, but must conclude they are joined. Disillusionment coupled with defense mechanisms. And I think I am not alone, for most people seem to be very proud of themselves within their bubble, but who would venture out of it. It is that I talk and think of the tragedy of these that people seem to object to, and encourage me in my playing of the pariah. And I am more than happy to oblige. If they wish to make me their mirror, who am I to object? So the chance for love seems dim, with no real way of meeting people and disaster occuring when I do reach out my hand. But what is love? Is romantic love something intrinsic in the Realm of Thought, or is it a manufactured thing? Is it more than the animalistic urge to mate? Or is companionship companionship, regardless of gender? Or is there more to it than that?
The only person that still writes from the mentioned ad seems very nice, and I enjoy corresponding with her. She's afraid of disappointment and disappointing, so we haven't met yet. But already I have doubts (my curse). She seems very in love with one of her friends, even if he isn't available. So how can I stand between that? I can't, and I won't. Everyone seems to fall in love with friends. And my pool of them is dwindling, and doesn't contain any girls that I would want to date anyway. So maybe this is a wake-up call that I have pushed 'snooze' one too many times. Looking for love won't give it to me. There is more to it than that, if romantic love does exist. Perhaps I am too old and jaded to fall in love, at least with anyone that would return my affection. And what then is the motivation, the inspiration for doing anything? There is none. We must craft our own. It seems so shallow, and empty. But they way things are can't be argued with. So I will walk through this world, try to commune with that which will have my communion, try to live by the sacred fire that burns within me, and accept that the society of man will not fill the gap within me.
I've gotten bored (and desparately need to do something besides work, which has become my life these past few weeks) so I've decided to make a ``laundry list'' of what I actually want in a relationship.. soul mate...girlfriend...whatever title you want to use. Since so many people seem to be curious
Even a stranger day than usual. I e-mailed my ex last night, and she responded and we ended up interachanging a lot via e-mail. I saw her today and gave her the birthday gift I had bought her when we were still ``going out'' (I hate that term...so definitive, and yet not). Which was a transparent computer case. I figured it was a bad idea keeping it around, as I might just decide one day to build a computer since I hava a monitor laying around. BUT...while scientifically interesting, I have my heart set on going to Europe this summer. I got to see her new rat, which was sweet. It was good hanging out with her, even knowing that we will never get back together, and all me dreams are now changed (see beginning of weblog). She is a very interesting and unusual person. I still wish I could understand why shy was so sure that we wouldn't work out. Do I really think of myself that differently than I really am? Or, does she see who am and just want something different? And if so, what? What does she want? This isn't just about her, but about all the women I've gotten similar reactions from. And perhaps, just as relevent, why I have not been attracted to some of those that offered themselves to me. Why? Feelings...neither less nor more...
I fell in love today with someone that's devoted to me and that I feel the world for...yeah...happy April fucking fool's. No, as usual, most of my day has consisted in working, goofing off, smoking, jacking off, and visiting with Lilly, my cat. In that order, probably. I wrote a poem the other day, about my life and journey on this planet thus far, with a few potential prophesies woven in. For whosever reading this, besides my own ghost, its at this URL.
I emailed a 19 y/o from CL. Can you believe it? Can you imagine me with a 19 y/o? Either they would be too smart to go out with me, or the opposite, it seems. She seems to fall in the former category, as she already posted another CL ad. Its not like I was getting my hopes up. Not much to say... another day in the life... I made some new icons for this pointless page. I hope you the reader (probably also me) enjoy. I realized that I am creating a page in hopes that the strange beauty I might have will be appreciated. Yet I could also see that I could have to take down this page....from personal frustration depending on the reaction of the ``swine''. We shall see.
I gave out this URL to one of my friends (yes, I have them!), so now she can see my pointless ranting about nothing. She'll probably think its more self-indulgent babbling. I guess I'll have to look back 20 years from now and see if that's true. If we still have computers by then. So hi, [name deleted], if you've read this far. And any other wanderers in cyberspace.
There's a CL ad that's just begging me to respond to it. For Math/Physics/Computer Guy? - 23...which I am. But, as usual, she's probably not looking for ``my type''. Whatever that is. It feels like when they were handing out types, they came up short and said to me, ``Okay, you'll have to take whatever's left over.'' No, I know the truth...or part of it, at least. If I only new people with similar experiences and were niave enough to disclose them. I'll probably answer the CL ad, with all standard disclaimers. As I tend to be, I'll be blunt about myself and she'll probably not respond back anyway. Which is for the best, if she doesn't like my bluntness.
I've been thinking much about the issue of compulsion. This seems to be The Lever. Be uncompelled, and awareness and everything else falls in place. Be compelled, and this is Samsara. Try it! It amazingly works.
I have to wonder if my concept of love is at all compatible with what I'll call ``familial love''. The concept of ``Mother'', ``Father'', ``Son'', and ``Daughter'' seem on the surface to be at odds with romantic love, as I consider it. The parent-child relationship is one of creation and created, reverence and and compassion (ideally, anyway). But not the high sort of affection that I desire. I'm not saying that there's no place for compassion and reverence in the World....indeed, I wish I had someone to revere in my life. But for lack of better role-models, I have to think for myself. I don't think I will have children in this life. I certainly have no need for them now, and wouldn't really want to be with someone that wanted to have children. I suppose that's shallow, and will shut me out of most relationships, but we all have diferent goals and aspirations, and can't see how having children would help me achieve any of them. I don't know if I'll ever want children...its no understatement to say that my world would have to change before I would.
Not too horrible a day...I managed not to drink last night. I know what you're thinking..."you?" Impossible! I've been trying to get a little bit back on the healthy path. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, due to my ulcer and smoking and drinking all the time. And since western medicine has been able to give me no advice, I figure I have to help myself with my meager tools. I even exercised a bit, at least stretched. I wrote a little bit on my Kain's story, my sci-fi epic (tentative title: ``The last paladin''). I'll post weekly adventures if people want to see. I still fear it will be too long in the work...I was working on Kain's first time travel experiment, from when he finds the device to the point where he first goes back in time, and that's about 10 pages by itself.
I posted another CL ad, mainly looking for people to talk to. I miss having someone to really share my thoughts with:
`What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?'' - 26 Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here Date: Mon Apr 5th 10:13 I stole the title from Tori Amos, so don't give me too many points for creativity. I'm looking for someone dark and deep to share thoughts with -- over e-mail at first, and then maybe more. I want a relationship, but really want that ever-elusive mutual love, that I haven't really found via CL or any other means. NOT looking for sex or casual companions, just someone talk to and share thoughts, and if we have e-mail chemistry then maybe meeting in person. I'm a lonely and negative person, and would like to hear from the same. I smoke, drink, am generally misanthropic, fairly disillusioned about the state of the world (though like becoming more so). I like dark folksy sorta music, like Andrew Bird and Leonard Cohen, as well as industrial and just plain weird stuff. Looking to talk about more than just the weather, stock quotes, and even the horrid political situation (I try to stay informed, but its damn depressing). I'm looking for other people that find beauty in strange places, and maybe exchange some creative writings. While I'd love a relationship if one happened to "fall in my lap" (pun not really intended), but have found that that certain "thusness" of being in love, of knowing that you want to spend your whole life with someone without hesitation, is slippery and not one of those things that a letter floating in cyber-ether tends to bring. We all cast our pennys into the well, in hopes that our wish will someday be granted. But for me, I do not expect this to be soon. Don't get me wrong...I don't think I'm terribly that picky, in terms of looks, status, and what not. But it takes something more than tangible to make that spark, in my experience. It is better to be lonely than to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, in my opinion. So I'm mainly looking for other freaks, geeks, misanthropes, and fashion-free goths (ugh! I can't believed I used the word!) to talk to via e-mail. Maybe we can make our lives a little less dark and lonely.
Wow...for the first time in many weeks my computer is only using one processor full time.
I had my first lucid dream last night since Jessica broke up with me. Just a brief moment of lucidity, but precious for all the world for it. I went to the grad student social last night -- which was, as usual a grad student anti-social for me. No one talked to me, and I talked to no one. Can hardly say I'm surprised. I just wish I understood. Miss Lilly has been absolutely precious lately and sleeping with me under the covers. That sweetie!
I've been thinking more about women and physical attraction versus ``other''. I hate to say it, but I'm agreeing more and more with a few self-described misogynists I know: women really do have the relationship market cornered. A relationship based on equality is nearly impossible to find in this context. Well, you know the old prophecy -- I'll only find someone interested in a relationship when I'm no longer interested in the prospect.
My Black Box is now defunct...I am no longer in any sort of box, so this will be the last entry on this page. The opening of the next chapter of my life is written here.