It feels like the start of a new life to me, as perhaps all days should be. Yet it also feels timeless, as indeed things are. It makes me feel quite Pagan, though I rarely use the word, longing for and loving the esoteric that we're immersed in. Wind of Autumn, carry me away! Give me the Courage to face the unknown! Let me remember this feeling
Yet at the same time that I welcome the unknown, things have happened that make me wonder at how I should walk through life...both literally and figuratively speaking. I suppose the straw that broke the camel's back came yesterday. I was walking down one of the multi-use trails (service vehicles, skateboards, bicycles, cars, motorcycles and...am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, I think pedestrians might be allowed to walk there too). At the end of the path, one of the service vehicles was there, picking up trash from the various trash cans. It was a small trail, barely big enough for the vehicle and trailer alone, and the next trash can was on my side of the path. Trying to be polite, I get off the path so that they can do their job -- as I know when I'm working I dislike when people get between me and what I'm trying to work on. On the other hand, I don't particularly want to wait there for the minutes it will take to do the trash, plus I don't want to give the workers the impression that they're inconveniencing me. I'd consider this rude, and at the very least, I try to be polite. So I walk through the garden areas off to the side of the path, being careful not to step on the plants. From most people I talk to, this sort of social submissiveness, or politeness, however you want to view it, is pretty unhealthy. Nonetheless I don't know what my alternatives are. I don't particularly want to fight a battle with every step, though I wonder if that's the way things are heading. But I'm fine jumping amongst the plants with a thirty pound backpack on my back ... just part of being me, I suppose. But then one of the workers said, ``That doesn't help the plants.'' So as usual, I try to be nice and am criticized for it! I hated myself most of the day, and its already leaking into my weekend. I should have had a little dialog with him, about what I should do in such situations...I don't know. Hopefully I'll have time to meditate on it in earnest soon.
Its supposed to be a secret, but since no one reads my flimsy excuse for a 'blog (or at least no one ever writes me to comment on it! I'll promise to put your comments up, even if they consist of "Youranickynastystupidhead", but no automation unless someone requests it) I'm writing a book consisting of my views on stuff that people don't talk about that frustrates the hell out of me. Maybe I can get some good feedback, or at least can say ``Its documented here'' instead of having to explain myself from scratch every time. There's a (hopefully frequently updated) preview here.
[ 4 / 9 / 2004 ]:
Lots of stuff...for one, my log is no longer online! I lost my EECS account.
So much for college encouraging free expression!
I saw a UFO today. Not normally someone to either hallucinate (in the ``conventional'' sense of the word, anyway) so it was pretty strange. It could have been a very badly behaving baloon (or baloons) for all I know, but it seems someone unlikely, in my mind anyway. I'm not saying it was an alien spacecraft -- only that it was Unidentified (at least by me), Flying (or at least moving across the sky) and an Object, in the grossest sense of the word anyway. I was on UC Berkeley's campus, relaxing on a lawn and facing South. I saw this strange shape move across the sky to the left (the East). It was orange and red and black and gray, though it was around sunset (7p) so its hard to tell how much the sun's light affected my perception of color. I don't know how big a second or arc-second is in the sky, but it was probably about the (perceived) size of a 747 flying out of Oakland airport. It kept changing shape, from a pterodactyl or hang-glider type shape to a saucer with a dome shape, and back. It was moving much slower than a plane its size would move. Eventually it stopped and stood still and I watched it for some time. It grew smaller, becoming a roughly round dot, and more brilliantly magenta in color. The it started moving right (West again) until it disappeared all together. It seemed very hard to look at.
[ 15 / 9 / 2004 ]:
Weirdiosity. As usual.
I might get a snake soon. Not just a little one either, but a boa constricter, nonetheless. His name is Lie-Lu. I went out on a ... date? ... frequent readers know I hate that term. But then again, I don't have any frequent readers, AFAIK. But after e-mailing a girl named [named omitted] for a couple of weeks, we met up in San Francisco for the 9/11 festival. I really don't want this to sound like a teenage girl's diary, so I won't provide details (sorry, gossip-mongers). But we hit it off. She has two boa constricters, and wants to get rid of the ``little'' one, so Lilly might get a scaly companion.
[ 8 / 10 / 2004 ]:
I haven't written in awhile, so I suppose I shouldn't let this so-called
'blog drop completely into oblivion. Though that's perhaps where we're all
heading.
I did end up getting Lei-Lu who is now sitting here next to me in his cage. Lilly was not at all a fan. As usual with CL dates, Lei-Lu's owner didn't really find me interesting (Who does? Even I have my doubts). So yeah. Autumn...the crisp weather makes me want to find someone to share my favorite season with. More pipe dreams, I suppose...
Lilly was so afraid of the snake when I first brought him home. She thought I had some kind of monster with me. Poor girl!
[ 9 / 10 / 2004 ]:
Mood: Angry!
Arrggh! So this is where my time goes! I wait in the post office line to mail some packages -- one for my brother's birthday (admittedly late... stress.stress.obligation.obligation....) and one of CDs my mom gave me....the sort of self-help talking, calm, everything will be okay messages to reassure those who really would rather stay at home all day than deal with the horrors of the world. Of course, the close post office (that has boxes) isn't open on Saturday. So I go to the main branch. They don't have boxes, and its half an hour until close, so I grab two express envelopes. Wait in line...la la la... Get to the front of the line and say ``You don't have any labels out. Can I have some?''
``Okay, fill these out and come back.''
I used my sharpie (argh! brand names are horrible!) to fill out these labels, as, again, I was expecting to write on boxes. Wait in line....la la la... Get to the front of the line again:
``You didn't fill these out in regular pen, you have to go back to do it again.''
Go back to the end of the line. Do this again. After a few minutes an unknown guy says, ``You know, you can go up and give them the packages. You don't have to wait in line again.''
$36. Again, these weren't supposed to be express...that's just how it wroks, I guess.
So I go to get something to eat at Laval's. I really want my pineapple and jalapeno pizza (sorry for the lack of ~ over the 'n'). I'm second in line. Or so I thought. Soon, a line starts forming orthogonal to this one, so I wait for about ten people until I'm up to order. I order and wait. After a long time (the Cal vs. USC game is on, so people were being loud, and ordering stuff, and what not, so it took awhile) they call a jalapeno and pepperoni pizza. I ask if this is mine. The store manager says, but of course not to me, ``You got the order wrong.''
Someone else: ``Do you like pepperoni?''
The manager: ``Of course not, he's a vegeterian.'' This is obviously because I look so much like a faggot and a Bezerkeley wimp that likes to whine pointless about everything. They offered to make me another pizza or refund my money, but I wouldn't have it. No lunch for me today.
This reminds of some of my old angry.html page. So I'll put that back up, via included link.
Well, back to work. No lunch for me today. If I'm lucky, dinner. But the ISO wants me to work at...some event or another. Stress.stress.obligation.obligation....
[ 5 / 11 / 2004 ]:
The Hole Truth: an Analogy of life, work, and all that:
So you apply for this job called ``Excavating the Psychic Subconcious of the Human Soul'' and are ecstatic to learn that you got accepted. This is exactly what you always wanted to do. You show up for your first day of work very excited, and your new boss tells you, ``Okay. Your first job is to dig a hole a thousand meters long, a thousand meters wide, and a thousand meters deep. Make sure you get each of the measurements accurate to within a millimeter and all the walls need to be at right angles within an arcsecond.'' After standing perplexed for a moment, you try to get back some of your enthusiasm. ``Okay,'' you think, ``I have some ideas on how to do this. Its not exactly what I thought I'd be doing when I heard the title, but its all part of life's adventure, right?''
You ask your boss, hoping to show him that you got gumption, ``So where's my shovel?'' He holds up a tea spoon. Then you proceed to argue for hours and how a teaspoon is or is not a shovel:
``That's not a shovel!'' you say.
``Sure it is,'' he says.
``Its a teaspoon!'' you say.
``Same thing,'' he says.
``A shovel and a teaspon are completely different,'' you say, ``A shovel is much bigger, for one.''
``They're both used to move loose material around. Besides,'' your boss says, ``A garden shovel is still a shovel, right?''
``Yeah...'' you say.
``And there are shovels far bigger than that with the same name....''
This argument goes on for hours, until you're fully willing to accept that a tea spoon is in fact a shovel just to get him to shut up. But before you can do this, a police car pulls up and a cop gets out.
``I heard someone was going to dig a hole here,'' says the officer.
``He was,'' says your employer pointing to you, and before you can open your mouth to object, he throws in ``With that teaspoon.''
``Whew!'' the cop whistles, ``Well its highly illegal to dig here, but after hearing about the teaspoon I think I better take you down town, maybe get you some electroshock to straighten you out. Ya got any needles, kid?''
Before you can anwer, you hear a muffled voice from the car. ``I want you to see my girlfriend,'' the cop says. A blond girl gets out of the car and stares at you, shaking her breasts. ``Ain't she fine?'' asks the cop.
She's kind of pretty but not really your type. So you say, ``Yeah, she's nice.''
The cop slams you against the car, ``Oh, she's nice now, you pervert! Why don't you go stick your dick in her, that's what you want huh?'' He slams your head against the car. ``Huh?''
Your boss says, ``Yeah, I wouldn't tolerate that from this psycho.''
The cop says, ``First, I'm going to have to rape you. That's not gay, since you're a sissy faggot. It'll be just like having sex with a woman. Then I'm going to have to hit you with this.'' He pulls out a yard shovel.
``Now that's a shovel,'' you say.
``NO SHIT!'' they both say.
After the cop rapes you and hits you over the head with a shovel, your boss meanders by and asks, ``So why aren't you done with that hole yet?''
[ 24 / 11 / 2004 ]:
Its been awhile since I posted a real entry. Its been a really dark week for
me. Can you guess why? The usual...I don't have someone to love and adore
so things seem very dark. I go back and forth in my head about this.
On one hand, its so utterly stupid to be depressed for the lack of love.
Might as well be depressed because you're not rich, or famous, or
will never be the smartest person in the world. Its pointless to be
depressed about it. On the other hand, I still remember when there
was someone I could adore and someone that cared about me. It was so nice.
I wonder what the point of everything is. But of course I know there
is no point except for those we put on things. What is the point of the
wind? I just have to keep reminding myself of such things. I should
be glad I have a cat that I love and who absolutely adores me. While
sometimes it seems such a small thing (and she is! :) ), she is a great
comfort to me and I am blessed to have her.
I've met a lot of people recently, both in person and in cyberworld. But inevitably the same....not the right chemistry. If I liked them, they've rejected me. And otherwise...
I wrote a CL ad today that kinda sums up my feelings. I didn't write it to find love, just to put my thoughts out there. I'll put a link to it here, if you want to read: its here!. Note the keyword: ``foxes''. ;) You can guess that made me happy.