Cheap Shots!

The Old Guard "The prisoner tried to escape by lowering himself on a rope, but I found that con descending"

Q: What do you get when you mix sperm and eggs? A: A very mediocre omelette

The Baroque Restoration Society: "if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it"

When you think of the Los Angeles International Airport, think LAX security

From the most talked about screenwriter of the year comes a new Broadway production: The Glossary of Alexei Kahn: a play on words

The Society for the Denial of Precognition a non-prophet organization

complex carbohydrate C6H12O6 + i C12H22O11

Holy Smokes : the cigarette Jesus used "The Son of God smoked these...and he didn't die of cancer!" "If you want to die at the cross as well... Smoke Holy Smokes!"

Literature in the American Penal System: prose and cons

boarders without borders taking in animals across national boundaries

Q: Why was the president so eager to have the text line up with the margins in the Patriot Act? A: So that it would be justified

Bumperstickers: all of these are SO copywritten by me its not even funny (*) and you agree to pay me money and worship me if you use them in a commercial venture. Someday, I might even have a car to put them on. Criminal violence is my anti-drug I was part of the borg *before* it was cool I just unlocked the "Global Genocide" badge on foursquare! the revolution will not be tweeted Terrorism: the new communism Kill a Creationist -- do evolution a favor Nihilism: the anti -ism -ism Redheads: the blonds of the 21st century My other car is ALSO a BMW ungame the system Please keep all Gods on leash I stand for everything you hate * ``SO copywritten by me its not even funny'' is copywritten by Copyright Technologies, a subsidiary of BigBrother Inc. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use of copywritten material is a Thought Crime. ``Thought Crime'' also copyright BigBrother Inc.

The only cycling I do is powercycling

i made a really fast NoSQL DB but i had to drop ACID

a book never written "The Process of Copulation (illustrated)" by Lou Dax

Doing the dirty work? Absolve yourself! With Pontius Pilate Hand Wash From the makers of Holy Smokes

Deepthought # 2 by pi: If I were the leader of a biker gang, I think I would carry motocycle chain around with me and call it the Chain of Command. Then, if anyone got out of line, I would tell them, ``You gotta respect the chain of command.'' Then I'd hit them with the chain.

He tried to make amends by offering up the hollowed-out corpse of a comedian, but it was just an empty jester

Most people's problem with windows is that they think of it as an operating system. Have they ever considered that it may be simply an illustrious example of conceptual art? Windows asks the question, "What is an operating system? Does it need to operate?"

I'm a butcher. Technically, for union reasons, I'm a Rabbit Decapitation Technician, but that's just splitting hairs.

"And I can't apologize for this enough, its just that 'smoke a fag' means something entirely different in my neighborhood."

Autistic parent: Oh, I could have sworn that it said Kids Row

The Greenwich Project: 15 more minutes of screaming in the woods than the leading brand Witch Project movies

Now playing: "Blue planet blues" featuring the Al Gore Rhythm Section

there are 01 kinds of people in the world those that understand the difference between big and little endian binary and those that don't

Q: What do you say to be supportive to someone waiting for the results of an HIV test? A: Think positive!

'Russian Insults' by Yuri Sunovavich

I like my coffee like I like my women: hot, spilled all over my lap, and leaving stains

Here at cccrrraaazzzyyy Larry's Used Cars, Larry went cccrrraaazzzyy and start slashing prices....and throats...

Personalized Mortuary Service Hey, it's your funeral

in AJAX, you manipulate the DOM; in BDSM, the DOM manipulates you!

? : So I ended up getting a labrador. My friend told me I could name her "Kim" so she could be "Kim Lab". So I sorta took his suggestion. : You named her Kim? ? : No, Physics.

i always thought it'd be great for an action movie if someone was about to be shot with a cannon and the action hero said "I hope you enjoy sainthood because you're about to be canonized!"

Q: What is a bad joke to make when your friend's dog gets run over? A: I thought you had a sharpei but he looks a little flat

Q: Why did the dyslexic look for seats facing backwards in the auditreom? A: Because he knew he had reserved seats.

FREE LIMB REMOVAL! first come, first severed

"I wouldn't belong to any club that wouldn't have me dismembered" - Karl Marx

A guy walks into a meat-market bar and sees an absolutely beautiful woman sitting at the end of the bar. He asks the bartender, ``Why is that gorgeous girl sitting all alone?'' ``Oh, she's fucking crazy,'' says the bartender. This doesn't deter the guy, so he goes over to the girl and says, ``Hey, I couldn't help notice you sitting all alone over here. Why isn't anyone hitting on such a fine woman as yourself?'' ``Oh, I'm fucking crazy,'' she says. ``Okay,'' he says, ``That's cool. But I'd still love to fool around if you want.'' She says okay and they go to her place. They get hot and heavy and end up fucking. She goes to clean up. Right after, the door opens and there stands a mountain of a man -- nigh seven feet, shoulders as wide as a buick, and muscles buldging out of his motorcycle jacket. ``Who are you?!?'' yelps the guy, trying to cover his shame. ``My name's Crazy,'' says the biker, ``Who the fuck are you?''

Q: what did the Vatican computer display when it encountered a floating point exception when calculating the fine for a moral indescretion? A: sin tax error

What do you get when combine a Southern plantation family and a Jewish family in Tsarist Russia? The hottest new act on off-off-off Broadway, that's what! Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof Its the cross-over they said couldn't be done...and it can't. Hurry! Get your tickets now, before the play closes its doors forever on opening night!

Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye. In which case its still all fun and games as long as you're not the guy that lost the eye.

Scientist Proves the Universe Does Not Exist ! no one cares

NPR is so biased. They have "Science Friday", but no "Baseless Speculation Monday"

@jhammel: stop tweeting at yourself

You can drink your own urine up to seven times. And it keeps getting better every single time you drink it!

A new doll for today's little girl ! It's Polly Amorous ! Now with accessories: "Ken" ... and "other Ken"

in database, you keep state; in soviet russia, state keeps YOU!!!

Gentleman: Mrs. Ann Thrope? Lady: Its miss, actually....I could never find a husband I could tolerate.

From the makers of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comes... Higgins: I say, Perkins, should we accost that privateer with the Siberian tiger? Perkins: I think not. We're just ordinary gentlemen. THE LEAGUE OF ORDINARY GENTLEMEN Higgins: Are you sporting a winged collar? Perkins: It is the style of the times! May, 2011; Get ordinary

what did the aborted fetus say when it was selected be a speciman in a woman's rights documentary? "Its the role I was not born to play."

sub-prime number: a number divisble evenly only by itself and zero

the first rule of Gossip Club is not to talk about Gossip Club ...but just between you and me...

So 5/12, 11/18, and 36 walk into a swank restaurant. The Maitre D says, "I'm sorry, none of you have reservations and we only have one table available. 36, we'll take you." 11/18 hughed and object, "Well, now you're just pandering to the lowest common denominator."

I'm unofficially a nihilist. I'd become an official nihilist, but then I'd have to destroy myself.

"You wouldn't know your ass from a hole in the ground." "That would explain those rectal pains after shoveling yesterday."

anthroapologist (n): one who says they are sorry in the name of humanity

New! from Baskin-Robbins: Iraqi Road iced cream Now with more marshmallow IEDs (improvised explosive deliciousness)! Try with a scoop of Abu Grape!